Broken relationships, fractured dreams, disappointments, rejection, self-hate! These are all turning points, as how you respond to them defines your journey of life. When something doesn’t go our way we tend to blame others and feel angry, blame circumstances and feel helpless or blame ourselves and feel guilty. The important thing to note is that it is based on things not going “your way”. It doesn’t mean that it wasn’t right for others or for that matter that it isn’t actually something that will benefit you in the long run and in the bigger picture, no matter how painful it maybe at the moment. If I had to hold on to all the pain and anger that my divorce or past and subsequent relationships caused me, it would have spilled over into my current relationship and ruined it as well. Today, I am in a loving and kind relationship and engaged to a wonderful man.
When I look back at my relationships over the last 17 years post-divorce I feel gratitude. Gratitude for all the good times we shared and gratitude it ended so I could move forward to finding the right man to journey into the sunset with. In hindsight I cannot imagine actually being with any of those men “forever”. They were wonderful, but for a time and space that existed then. At every point in my journey of life, I have met people who have matched the frequency of what I was going through and working towards personally and professionally. As I grew and changed, so did the relationships. Science says that every 7 years we replace all the cells in our body, which means that every 7 years you are energetically a very different being. This is why so many relationships and marriages are considered “dead” with couples saying the cause is because the other ‘changed’. What they find hard to accept is that they too changed, and that change is constant, inevitable and important to growth. You can grow together or grow apart, but grow you will… and grow you must! We have been conditioned to hate those we end relationships with and to pin the sorrow of parting on them. There’s a beautiful and liberating practice called ho’oponopono.
Four simple sentences, “I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you”. Think of the person and repeat these lines 21 times for 21 days without missing a day. If you miss a day, you start at day 1 again. Many are averse to these lines demanding the other say sorry and that they feel no love. It doesn’t matter if in your perspective they hurt you. You choose to acknowledge the role each individual must play towards another for their own growth and that perhaps your greatest tormentor needed to be so, in order for you to discover new horizons and tap into inner strength reservoirs you never knew existed. Forgiveness works as a powerful acceptance tool and liberates both. Gratitude is essential for lessons learned and to look forward, and love in your heart only takes you from strength to strength.
1. I am a 25-year-old woman, and I am in a relationship with a colleague for the past two years. Both of us were thinking about informing our families about our relationship and marriage plans when the lockdown happened. Now, over the past few weeks that I haven’t met him, I have realised that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with him. On the other hand, it’s been a case of ‘absence makes the heart fonder’ for him. How do I end this relationship without sounding heartless?
Have a heart to heart chat with him and explain how the lockdown seems to have pressed a ‘reset’ button. Express that many internal, external, personal and professional turning points have emerged and that you need time post lockdown to understand where your life is at, where it is heading and where you would like it to head. Make it clear he is cherished and done no wrong, but it’s a catharsis you need to explore and need his support for the same.
2. My boyfriend and I have been going strong for a while now, but he tends to get possessive over the smallest of things, even making the situation awkward for me at times. How do I deal with this?
Tell him there is a different in protective and possessive. Protection stems from care and concern and is empowering, while possessive is borne out of insecurity and fear, and the need for control is violating in nature. A healthy relationship is one where there is clarity between the two. Trust and respect are the backbones of relationships.
3. Although I am in a happy relationship but there are times when I email my (complicated) ex just to let him know how much he has hurt me and how small he had made me feel at the time. But, no matter what I say or do, I am struggling to get him to apologise. I need closure, but how?
There are various modalities to help you heal and regression therapy is very effective to tackle rejection and emotionally painful experiences and it greatly helps reduce/negate the charge of that emotion carried within. Simpler methods include writing out all your angst and pain on a paper and burning it on a full moon night and also the practice of hoponopono mentioned above in my article.